Letting Go
by Ms Morpheus
Summary: Oneshot, by request. After Horizon, Kaidan and Shepard meet once again. Tempers flare with unintended consequences, and the men in Shepard's life decide to take matters into their own hands.


**Here's the request: it definitely appealed to my mischievous side.**

**"I enjoy seeing Kaidan put in his place: after all those words from him on Horizon, guy needs a good kick in the quads. I would love to see one hell of a fight between Shep and Kaidan, where things just go horribly wrong and she ends up injured. Then spin it in such a way that the men who have a crush on her decide to do something about it."**

**I was kind to Kaidan in 'Metamorphosis' – a little revenge instead couldn't hurt, really. I always pictured Shepard as a fierce, strong woman, so I added a twist to the above scenario. Shep is deliberately nondescript but has paragade leanings.**

**Anything you recognize from Mass Effect belongs to Bioware.**

_

* * *

How dare he._

Shepard sat nursing a glass of single-malt scotch, the smoky vapors pleasing her palate but doing little to mellow her mood. She really ought to be upgrading her equipment, but a little detour to Eternity couldn't hurt, could it? Only a few days had passed since Horizon, her happy reunion with Kaidan irreparably soured by his unflinching accusations. Staring down at the swirling caramel liquid, she replayed the scene over and over again in her mind. He always used to be so sweet, so sensitive: she'd been hesitant to get involved with someone so emotionally delicate. But she could tell he had a good heart, and a damn fine body. They'd spent a wonderful night together, everything she needed to blow off steam before Ilos. Too bad he turned out to be such a _bitch_.

Shepard mused about whether she'd ever really loved him, or whether such an emotion was even possible for her. Neither of them had spoken of love, the gravity of the mission providing a convenient excuse for casual liaisons. Afterwards, she could tell he wanted more from her, but seemed afraid to ask lest the truth fall short of his expectations. Shepard was grateful now for his hesitance: he took only what she offered, and demanded nothing more. Until now. Yet that bastard had managed to affect her nonetheless: she should be celebrating the simple beautiful joy of being alive, but found herself alone in a bar, the alcohol an inadequate balm for the sting of his words and the pain of his rejection. She grunted, chiding herself. For all the times she'd emerged unscathed from formidable battles, the invincible Commander Shepard let herself be wounded by a petulant boy.

Motioning to Aethyta to pour her another round, she glanced around the bar but found no one to her liking. Just as well, perhaps: so few men could handle a powerful woman. Human men, she corrected herself: maybe it was time to broaden her horizons. She sat in silence, her thoughts waxing pleasantly lascivious until she was startled sober by the very voice she was trying to forget.

"Shepard. I need to talk to you."

"Wha… how did you find me?"

He said nothing as her mind raced, heart pounding. Did Liara tip him off to her presence on Ilium? Why exactly did he track her down? It would take a lot more than an apology to make things right, and she sure as hell didn't want him back in her life. That's what she kept telling herself, anyway.

"It doesn't matter. I've been doing a lot of thinking, Shepard: I'm willing to forgive you if you tell me the truth."

"Excuse me?"

"Don't look at me that way. I loved you, and you left me without so much as goodbye, let me believe you were dead for two goddamn years. After all the hell you put me through, you owe me more than that ridiculous lie about being brought back to life."

She stared at him, incredulous. "Kaidan, I _was_ dead."

"I'm going to give you one more chance to tell me what really happened. How you got mixed up with Cerberus." There was an edge to his dulcet voice: his pleading expression hardened. Part of her wanted to reach out to him with arms wide open, soothe his temper and coddle his insecurity. But she was too proud, too angered by his eagerness to believe the worst of her. For all his talk of love, Kaidan's behavior was more reminiscent of a scorned adolescent than a broken-hearted man.

"I told you. I died in the Collector attack, and Cerberus resurrected me. I'm working with them, not for them." She sat back, crossing her arms. "That's the truth, and that's all I have to say."

"You think this is a game? I'm trying to make this easier for you, Shepard: this isn't just about us. Cerberus is under investigation for criminal activities, and you're commanding one of their ships. You may not want to talk to me, but you still have to answer to the Alliance. I need to bring you in for questioning: don't make this harder than it already is."

It was a setup. How could she have missed the signs? At Kaidan's signal, half a dozen heavily armed Alliance soldiers barged through the main entrance, gun barrels locked on her. Unbelievable. He knew she wouldn't attack innocents: he was exploiting her good nature and expecting her to surrender unconditionally. Little did he know how death had changed her.

"So it's come to this, Kaidan. No benefit of the doubt, no sympathy, no trust. You're not the man I remember."

"The Alliance issued orders to place you under arrest. Drop your weapons, Shepard. Don't make me do this."

"As you wish." She unclasped her guns, arranging them precisely on the countertop. Behind the bar, Aethyta gave her a nod of solidarity before retreating to the safety of the stockroom. "Let's see what kind of man you really are."

Seething with fury, she looked him square in the eye. He was self-righteous, unflinching, so consumed by his fantasies of betrayal and retribution that he was oblivious to her suffering. _Come on, lover. Keep twisting the knife. Just how far are you willing to go?_ She could handle his anger, his pain at being left alone when she died, but being treated like a criminal far exceeded the limits of her patience and understanding. Attacking would only prove him right, but neither could she forfeit her dignity. And so she took the only course of action that made sense to her wounded soul. Raising her barrier, she held her head high, lips curled back in a snarl. Her reason and compassion lost in the wreckage of her sanity, she walked unarmed past the small squadron of soldiers, her defiant glare daring them to intervene.

"Stop, Shepard. Please stop."

She almost made it to the exit. Maybe Kaidan had given the order, maybe some young hothead with something to prove decided to take the first shot. A sharp sting on her upper back made her pause for an instant before the floodgates crashed open, a barrage of ammunition ricocheting off her barrier as she continued her slow and steady march to safety. Turning to face Kaidan from the doorway, she couldn't help but notice his anguished expression, and the fact that he hadn't drawn his weapon. But neither had he stopped his men. Any residual affection she felt for the biotic was washed away by the sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach as her eyes met his a final time. Searing heat tore through her cheek when a bullet found its mark, middle finger raised as the door closed behind her and a wave of her omni-tool hacked it shut.

* * *

"Not going to talk about it."

Shepard hobbled past Kelly on her way to the elevator, the yeoman's horrified expression saying volumes about her battered appearance. The stunt had cost her, but it was the only way she could avoid losing face in front of Kaidan without blatantly attacking the Alliance and making enemies she couldn't afford. Proud, strong, defiant: she'd proven unequivocally that she was invulnerable, that no matter how much he tried to break her down, she would stand resilient. Or so she thought.

* * *

"Thank you all for meeting with me on such short notice. Let's review the evidence, shall we?" Kelly was noticeably agitated as she motioned for Joker to begin rolling the security vids.

"2100h. Shepard leaves unaccompanied for Ilium to pick up new equipment. 2142h. I received an urgent message from the Alliance: Staff Commander Alenko was demanding to know Shepard's whereabouts. I told him to go to hell, naturally." Joker replayed his colorful dismissal a few times, chuckling to himself.

"Who exactly is Alenko?" Thane looked up at Garrus, clearly worried.

"He was a Lieutenant Commander on the original Normandy. Never liked him much, myself: he was useless in combat. Couldn't fire a sniper rifle to save his life. Shepard gave up on him and brought Wrex and me with her everywhere." The turian was beaming with pride.

"Yes, but why was Shepard so upset after she saw him on Horizon?"

"Shepard… used to talk to him from time to time. I think she used him to ease her stress before we hit the Mu relay. That disrespectful bastard had the nerve to tear into her for dying and leaving him. I have no idea why she didn't just shoot him. _I_ wanted to."

Thane blinked twice as he translated the turian's words into emotions he could understand. This Alenko had meant something to Shepard once, and he'd turned on her. Betrayed her.

"Brace yourselves, boys. Joker, forward to 2356h on the security feed."

They watched in stunned silence as Shepard entered the airlock, her right cheek a bloodied mess. She walked with a limping gait, barely saying a word to Kelly on her way up to her quarters. The camera angle changed to show her tossing a holo of a smiling young man into the trash, then gingerly removing her armor piece by piece. Facing away from the camera, she unzipped her underweave, revealing deep purple bruises from her shoulder blades all the way down to her…

"That's enough, Joker!"

"Sorry. You get the idea: she looks like she's been on the business end of a firing squad."

_Oh… Siha._ "Death is too good for this one."

"I disagree," said Garrus, his trigger finger twitching angrily.

"Wait, we don't have all the facts. Kaidan and I didn't always see eye to eye, but I don't think he's capable of _this_."

"He seemed angry enough on Horizon, Joker. Still, he's too weak to overpower her. He can't have acted alone."

"Perhaps he exploited her trust in order to weaken her. There is no deadlier weapon."

"Do we know where he is now? I'd like to… interrogate him." Garrus' mandibles flared, his flanging deepening to a growl.

"Agreed. My skills may be of some use in this matter." Blades flickered briefly between the drell's webbed fingers, only to vanish just as quickly.

Kelly interrupted: "I have an idea. Joker, can you mimic Shepard's electronic signature?"

"I'm not just a pretty face, you know." It didn't take long to work out the finer points of the plan. They'd send Kaidan a message, pretending to be Shepard to lure him in to their trap. _We need to talk. Meet me at Eternity right away. Come alone, or you'll never see me again._

* * *

Filled with people and laughter and noise, clubs are warm and inviting places. In the wee hours between night and morning, once all the patrons have gone home, the husk left behind can be chilling as a mausoleum. Shadows danced menacingly across the stained tile floor as Kaidan entered the bar, empty but for a lone female sitting in a dark corner. Gathering his courage, he steeled himself to approach the woman he once loved. Just when he thought she couldn't possibly hurt him more, she'd walked away from him once again. Not even at gunpoint would she stay with him, and that was more than he could bear. Kaidan wasn't sure why he'd come: after all the pain she put him through he still couldn't resist her summons. As he drew nearer, he realized something was wrong: her hair was different, her build too slight.

"What the hell is going on?"

"Listen carefully. There are sniper rifles trained on your brainstem: if you so much as flinch you're as good as dead."

"Who are you?"

"I'm a friend of Shepard's. I know what you did to her."

"Oh God. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Start talking, and make it good." Kelly motioned to a chair carefully situated in a puddle of light, isolated and exposed amid the viper's nest.

The biotic sat down, burying his head in his hands. He spoke of meeting Shepard for the first time, drawn to her beauty, her smile, her charismatic leadership evident even as a junior officer. Brown eyes misting, he wove a tale of their adventures and battles aboard the original Normandy, his youthful infatuation maturing into love. He knew she loved him too when she saved him on Virmire.

"Bullshit. She was protecting the bomb," Garrus muttered under his breath.

The day Shepard died was the worst of his life. He couldn't look himself in the mirror without remembering the sacrifice Shepard had made for him, leaving Ash to die in his place, and the heavy toll the decision had taken on her. She'd vowed never to repeat her mistake, never to abandon one of her own, no matter what the cost. Through Kaidan's twisted logic, it was _his_ fault she couldn't leave Joker behind, his fault she gave her life for her pilot's, and it was clear he'd spent the last two years hating himself for it. Learning she was alive ripped apart the fabric of his reality, reopening wounds that were only just beginning to heal. His heart was full of poison and bitterness, and all he could think of was how she betrayed him and left him to suffer alone.

"That's… awful." Kelly felt the pain of Kaidan's broken heart: vengeance was not the empath's strong suit. Her companions were another matter.

"You haven't said a word about how she ended up black and blue."

"Garrus. I'd recognize that snarl anywhere."

The turian answered with a bullet, aimed to fly millimeters past the biotic's cheek. "Next one's on target. I want answers."

"Fine. The Alliance sent me to bring her in for questioning. I told them she didn't want anything to do with me, but they insisted. She resisted arrest, we had no choice."

"_You shot her?_"

"My men did. It might as well have been me. She'll never speak to me again. Why couldn't she just tell me the truth?"

Kaidan was knocked sideways off his chair by a right hook from a taloned fist. Garrus brought his foot up against the biotic's trachea, cutting off his air.

"Wait," said Kelly. "He needs to see this." A few manipulations of her omni-tool, and a holo appeared next to Kaidan, the blurred figure slowly taking shape as the fog of hypoxia cleared.

"No… that's impossible." Human remains lay on a surgical table, the bones and mangled flesh barely recognizable as Shepard. The heart began to beat, blood pulsing through her arteries as it drained from his. He watched in horror as the corpse took on an achingly familiar shape, time-lapse condensing months into mere moments.

Kaidan moaned and shut his eyes, praying the nightmare would end. The cool touch of a scaly hand on his cheek coaxed his eyelids open to meet a soulful gaze.

"Forgive me."

"I cannot: the offense is not mine to forgive. You must come with us." Garrus began to protest, his turian sense of justice demanding more tactile revenge, but the drell whispered softly in his ear to quiet him before binding Kaidan's arms and leading the group to the nearest shuttle.

* * *

Shepard stared at her reflection in her bathroom mirror. Thanks to a generous dose of medi-gel, the open wound on her cheek had closed and the swelling subsided, but the ugly purple bruise was unmistakable in the harsh light. She barely recognized the zombie staring back at her: gaunt and ashen. Surely this was not the woman she'd become. She was beautiful once, not so long ago in her fragmented memory. It was silly, really, but she had an unshakeable need to feel like herself again, if only for a few hours in the solitude of her quarters. Facing the reality of the night's events was simply impossible in her current skin. She was a warrior, not a battered woman. And so she applied her makeup, giving her utmost attention to every detail. She smoothed the tangles from her hair, brushing until every strand shone like silk, each pass as deliberate as a mantra. Pulling on her commander's uniform, she straightened her collar and was relieved to finally see a familiar face.

At last she could no longer delay the inevitable: there was no suitable distraction for the truth she had to face. Kaidan attacked her, body and soul: hurt and anger building to crescendo as she replayed the events of the evening. It was his expression that tortured her most: that accusatory scowl that implied _she'd_ betrayed _him_. _How dare he_, she thought again, this time letting herself fully embrace the outrage, blue lightning dancing across her skin as her biotics echoed her emotions. It was too much to contain: her anger demanded release. _Arrogant bastard. Ignorant ass._ She punched the mirror, enjoying the satisfying crunch and melodic cacophony as it shattered. Craving more wanton destruction, she swept up the shards with a biotic pulse, heart racing as she surrounded herself with a breathtaking whirlwind of broken pieces, tiny fragments of her reflection whipping by in a dizzying blur.

Exhilarated, Shepard brought her deadly aura into the open space of her quarters. She faced her bed, preparing to unleash her creation as she imagined Kaidan stretched out on her mattress. The intercom chimed, but she was too lost in her fantasy of revenge to notice. Kaidan entered, roughed up and head hung low, escorted by Garrus, Thane, and Kelly. Joker brought up the rear, having left the cockpit to watch the fireworks.

"Commander?" Garrus cleared his throat, unsure of what to make of Shepard's display. She turned slowly, lips parting in a wicked grin as she acknowledged her company.

"I'm trying out a new form of meditation." Gleaming shards flew by as she spoke, mesmerizing and terrifying her captive former lover. She kept her tone syrupy sweet, a huntress toying with her prey. "To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"

"Kaidan has something he wants to say to you, commander."

"They... they showed me what Cerberus did to you. I'm sorry, Shepard. For doubting you, for lashing out at you… for everything. Please… don't kill me."

This simply wouldn't do. She wanted to tear out the throat of the smug bastard who'd rejected her on Horizon and attacked her on Ilium. But the man who stood before her had eyes that showed more pain than the talon marks and bruises on his skin could cause, more suffering than she'd ever wanted to inflict, even at the heights of her madness. He cringed as she drew nearer, afraid to meet her gaze. Shepard's biotic glow faded as her anger melted away, the glittering remnants of her destructive rage crashing down at her feet. She felt his pain, felt it resonate through her as it found echoes in her own heart. _No more. _Bringing her hand up to touch his cheek ever so gently, she lingered for a moment before she spoke, remembering the bliss she'd felt the last time her skin touched his. Remembering what had been... and letting go.

"This has gone far enough, Kaidan. I forgive you. And… I'm sorry. Whatever you need that to mean."

He opened his mouth as if to speak, then closed it slowly. Shepard leaned in to hug the stunned biotic, a heavy weight lifting from her heart as he returned her embrace, burying his face in her hair. A chapter had closed in her life, a wound torn open and healed anew. If she had ever loved him, there was no uncertainty now that such emotions had passed. They were fellow soldiers now, old friends with a bond that could only be forged through pain and hardship. Anything else had perished with her, lost in the emptiness between death and life.

Shepard was amused as she took in her crew's expressions, their worry and anger clearly evident. She was touched and strangely flattered that they'd taken it upon themselves to defend her honor; the outcome couldn't be farther from the vengeance they had in mind. Shepard smiled, sensing the opportunity to bring the night to an acceptable close, and perhaps to avert a confrontation with the Alliance over her earlier antics.

"Kaidan, please understand that I have far more pressing matters to attend to than an Alliance interrogation. I promise to report to Councilor Anderson as soon as I've dealt with the Collectors." He nodded his assent, looking around uncomfortably. "Kelly, would you please escort Staff Commander Alenko downstairs to clean up?"

"Thank you, Shepard. Maybe we'll meet again, once all this is over."

The pair departed, leaving Shepard alone with her three would-be knights in shining armor. "Not so fast. I take it this was retaliation for my earlier appearance?" Three nods answered her, unsure of whether to be proud or apologetic. "I don't suppose you'd like to know how I came by those bruises?"

Accessing her terminal, she hacked Eternity's security system to display her confrontation with Kaidan, her blatant dismissal of his authority, and her final insult as she walked away in a storm of bullets. Laughing, she kissed each man on the cheek.

"I'm not as fragile as you think, gentlemen. But I appreciate the sentiment. Now if you'll excuse me, it's been a long night."

Shepard shook her head as the door closed, leaving her in bemused silence. She ran her fingers through her hair, glad now for her earlier vain indulgences. Ever since she was resurrected, nothing in the galaxy seemed to made sense. Tonight was no exception: only after breaking could her heart be healed, only after shattering into pieces could she be whole again. Kaidan may have let her down, but old friends and new had rushed to her rescue at the suspicion that she might be a damsel in distress. She smiled at the chivalrous gesture: life aboard the Normandy promised to become very interesting indeed.


End file.
